I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
