My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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