are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
