just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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