Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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