before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
