i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
