census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
