I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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