I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
