Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
