i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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