I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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