my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We need to rekindle our bromance
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
