she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
