I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
