We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
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I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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