No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.