My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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