Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
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Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.