just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid