More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
