Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer

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(267): My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer http://tfl.nu/qmj6

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(503): View more from Oregon

So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.

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(503): So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/hko9

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(201): I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high. http://tfl.nu/lc86

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(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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(740): id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag. http://tfl.nu/yqo6

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(903): View more from Texas

The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.

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(903): The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover. http://tfl.nu/9bmt

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...

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(770): If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday... http://tfl.nu/nvs1

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.

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(307): I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head. http://tfl.nu/1su5

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(941): View more from Florida

I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.

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(941): I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine. http://tfl.nu/f9af

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(515): View more from Iowa

I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out

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(515): I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out http://tfl.nu/6wgt

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

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(604): We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex. http://tfl.nu/otis

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...

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(+44): This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again... http://tfl.nu/3c0f

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(757): View more from Virginia

YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Wait, that's an option?

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(757): YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE. (1-757): Wait, that's an option? http://tfl.nu/2xp5

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(+61): View more from Australia

I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.

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(+61): I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that. http://tfl.nu/nlmq

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it

(501): View more from Arkansas

Then he went and peed on those teenagers.

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(501): I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it (501): Then he went and peed on those teenagers. http://tfl.nu/3fwd

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(425): View more from Washington

Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf

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(425): Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf http://tfl.nu/epw3

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