Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
