new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think my vagina is haunted
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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