the condom got lost in my hair
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
