This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
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