Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
