the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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