will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
