i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
