I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
