Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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