Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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