remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so let's talk penis.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
