Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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