I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
