so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
