Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
