I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
