so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
