i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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