im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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