U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
