Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
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I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
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I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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