I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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