The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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