Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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