you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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