Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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