woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
