Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
