Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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