I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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