I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
