I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im having a threesome with these popsicles
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
