Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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